Mouthing Off
by crackficwhores
Summary: [CRACKFIC] A flash of light and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don’t mean! What’s going on? Why is everyone talking as if they were in an XXX movie? Oh, the complicated implications!
1. What The Hell?

**Short, sweet, & simple: **Annette is crazy. And in need of a life. And she has much too vivid an imagination than is good for her.

**Summary: **A flash of light, a dash of insight, and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don't mean! What's going on? Find out in here.

**Warning:** **SEX**. Lots and lots of **SEX**. Not sex, but **SEX**. And bad imagery. Also included is, OOC-ism, general craziness, and worst pairings you could ever think of… EVER.

**Rated:** Mosquito! Er, we mean M.

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**Mouthing Off **

**Chapter One**

What the hell?

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Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley walked out of the Great Hall together, as they usually did. They had just finished lunch and were planning on going to the library to plan a way to steal back Harry's invisibility cloak from Filch.

They walked down several hallways before turning a corner and almost walked into Draco Malfoy.

"Watch where you're going Potty," drawled Malfoy, a familiar sneer playing over his lips. If only the sneer wasn't so familiar, wished Hermione. "You almost got Mudblood germs on me."

"Shove it, Malfoy," shot back Potter. "You git."

"What?" said Malfoy, looking surprised. "Is that all? _Oh, you git!_" He mimicked Harry.

"Look, Ferret," began Ron. "We're kind of in a hurry. Why don't you bounce away, now?"

"As soon as you and your unworthy friends get out of my way, Weasel."

"Oh, Malfoy, just—" began Hermione before she was cut off by a blast of white light.

"Bloody hell!" yelped Ron. "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know," said Harry, from his position on the floor.

"Oh, Harry, here, let me help you," said Hermione, helping Harry stand up.

"What was that, Potter?" snarled Malfoy. "Some sort of curse that backfired? I bet it was supposed to make you get yourself into my pants, right?"

There was a stunned silence before Harry replied with a straight face, "No, that wasn't it. You'd let me in your pants even if I didn't curse you. You want me, bad."

Ron and Hermione snickered. "Harry," berated Hermione, "we should go, we have to go to the library and have a threesome with Ron!"

"What?" yelled Draco, an incredulous look on his face. "I thought Harry was going to have a threesome with me and you, not Ron! Bloody hell, what did I just say? Granger, what did **you **just say?"

"I, I said… what the bloody hell is going on?" asked Hermione, horribly confused.

"I don't know," said Ron. "But I'm betting that Draco and his sexy arse are behind it." Ron blinked as he thought about what he had just said. "Argh! He did it! Him and his sexy arse!"

"He does not have a sexy arse!" yelled Harry. "He has an incredibly sexy arse! What is this? Why are we saying such sick things?"

"Don't look at me!" said Hermione. "Just because I'm smart and pretty and all the teachers want in my robes, I do not have the answer to everything. Oh lord, I can't believe I just said that."

"Believe it Mudblood, you crazily sexy female," drawled Draco before screwing his face up as if he were in pain. "I can't believe I just said that."

"Er, well, we're all saying things we don't mean, right?" asked Hermione. All four youths nodded their heads. "Do you think it might have had something to do with that white flash of light?"

"No Hermione, I think it had something to do with the fact that I want to suck your tits really badly," answered Ron. "Oh hell, Hermione, I'm sorry, please don't hit me without using a whip! Argh! What the bloody hell!"

"It's okay Ron, I'd never hit you without a whip, I mean, without a good reason. I think we should, er, go somewhere more private to discuss this. Um, Harry, you devilishly sexy young man, do you have any ideas where to go?"

"Uh, well, how about the Room of Requirement? We can get a bed big enough for the four of us to fit on and have a mad foursome in there."

"What? No way, I am not going anywhere with the Weasel and his spectacular abs that I totally want to rub my hands all over." Draco paused. "Okay, someone Avada me, please. I'm serious, here's my wand Potter, Avada me, quick."

"Draco, no one is going to Avada you," said Harry, pushing Draco's wand back into his hands. "Now, come on, we should get into the Room of Requirement and out of our clothes as fast as we can before someone else hears and wants to join in," said Harry. "God, this is sick."

"Tell me about it," said Ron, looking as though he was ready to cry. "What's going on?"

Hermione patted Ron's arm. "Don't worry Ron, we'll figure something out. If you do feel really bad, I'm sure Draco and Harry will let you be in the middle."

"Augh! Hermione, I did not need to hear that! I need to feel it, now! Draco, come here! No, don't come here! Oh hell! Don't Avada him, Avada me!"

"Nobody is going to Avada anybody!" yelled Harry. "Do you guys hear me? Come on, let's get out of here. Who knows who heard us while we weren't moaning and groaning?"

"I don't want to go with you, Potter, you crazy sex god. I hate you and your sensually tousled black hair and school-boy glasses."

"Draco, you need help, we all do. Something is very wrong and we're all saying things that we don't mean. If someone hears us while we're in the midst of an orgy, things could get really, really hot."

"Point taken, Potter. Lead the way with your sexy arse. Argh."

"Right," said Harry, looking towards Hermione and Ron. "Are you two coming soon, or do you need some help?"

"Fine and dandy here," answered Hermione. "Just sashay your sexy arses ahead of us."

"I vote that we stop speaking right now," murmured Ron, looking rather green. "I don't want to screw you guys, I want to have mad, hot, sweaty sex with all three of you, preferably at the same time."

"Weasel makes a point," said Malfoy. "No more talking until we get into that room but once we're in, we're allowed to moan and groan as loud as we want. Screaming is allowed as well. Bugger, doesn't this ever end?"

"Right, no more talking," stated Harry as he led the way to the Room of Requirement.

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"So," said Ron as they made themselves comfortable in several separate black chairs. "What do you think is making us say all these crazy things which I wouldn't mind doing right now, right here?"

"I think we agreed on the white light, Weasel, you fucking handsome devil, you," answered Malfoy. "Bollocks! I can't even insult you anymore!"

"Not that you'd want to," interjected Harry. "You'd much rather just get it on in front of us all here with Ron, wouldn't you?"

"No, I would not, Harry, you stupid prat!" shouted Malfoy. "You know that I'd much rather make out with Granger! Argh!" Malfoy sputtered indignantly.

"It's nice to see you kicked off of your throne of wittiness," said Hermione. "Now you'll be able to have sex with all of us on the floor."

"You guys!" yelled Harry, interrupting them all. "We have a problem here! There are four of us and so many positions that we could be having pleasure in! Do you think that the whole school is having a mad orgy without us and saw the white light, or do you think it was just us?"

"I don't know," said Hermione. "Maybe we should get a strong and handsome teacher with nice biceps to help us. We should tell someone about all this crazy sex we've been having."

"Granger, you fool, if we go to the teachers, we'll have to share you with them! We can't do that," said Malfoy. "What if no one else was affected by that white light?"

"Then, well, maybe the powerful Professor Dumbledore can help us!"

"Hermione, he might send us to Snape for a potion or something! You know how much Snape turns me on with his greasy hair and sallow skin! I'm a sucker for his good looks!" shouted Harry.

"And what do you think they'll say when they hear us talking like this instead of sucking on each others cocks like good little boys? They'll think we're doing this on purpose or something!" added Ron. "Hell, I do believe I'm going to throw up again."

"Hold it in, Weasel," drawled Draco. "Let's think rationally here before we start fucking like rabbits as we're supposed to be doing. Why don't we just right each other large and poetic love letters full of what we'd like to do to each other's bodies and explain our predicament to the teachers?"

"Good idea, Malfoy," said Hermione as she grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. "All right, let's see your cocks boys. Um, let's see what I can do."

Several awkward minutes passed while Hermione grappled in her mind about what to say. She couldn't keep from writing horribly dirty things onto the parchment.

"Bloody hell Granger, give me that parchment!" yelled Draco before grabbing the parchment. He read it out loud. "Dear horrifically fuck-able teachers of Hogwarts, This is the sexy Hermione Granger, the delectable Harry Potter, the gorgeous Ron Weasley, and the drop-dead beautiful Draco Malfoy. We students are in dire need of your help; we need you to help us slake our lust. We can't seem to stop thinking about shagging each other and all of you. Help— Bloody hell, Granger, this is a load of hot sticky cum all over you chest, that's what this is!"

"I couldn't help it!" shouted back Hermione, looking horribly aggravated. "I put my quill to the paper and all that would come out were words describing all of us and our skanky ways!"

"So, we can't talk without sounding like sex-deprived sexual predators, and we can't write without sounding like that either?" asked Harry.

"No, Harry, you sexy bohemian god, we can't," answered Hermione.

"I'm not bohemian Hermione, though I wish I were so that I could boast the largest penis in this room," said Harry forlornly.

"Don't worry, we'll find a way out of this, you guys," comforted Ron. "And if we can't, we can always just have hot sweaty sex and bite each other's nipples or something."

Draco threw the letter down on a table and collapsed in his chair. "I wish I could put my arms around your neck Weasel and fuck you so hard that you couldn't walk for week."

"I guess, we could just stay here and have goes at pleasuring each other for a while," said Hermione. "Unless if anyone has any better ideas?"

"No, Hermione, that's a good idea," murmured Harry, his expression despondent. "We're bound to come up with some sort of idea that doesn't involve the four of us having sexual intercourse together right?"

Draco yawned. "Or until someone finds out we're missing and comes looking for us and walks in just as we start rimming each other and the Mudblood finishes sucking Weasel off."

"You know what?" asked Ron. "Maybe we should have a group orgy while we Avada each other."

"We'll think about it," said Hermione. "Right after you guys finish having a threesome while watching me finger myself. Oh god…"

The group of students fell into silence as they contemplated their fate and just what had caused that odd bright white light to appear and change their lives so drastically.

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Don't blame Annette. The white light did it! The white light!

(Oh shoot, this is un-betaed! Bertha will shoot me. Or beta this.)


	2. Ken Doll Anatomy

**Short, sweet, & simple: **Annette is still crazy. She still has no life. But she has stolen Bertha's, so everything should be fine and dandy. For Annette at least.

**Summary: **A flash of light and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don't mean! What's going on? Why is everyone talking as if they were in an XXX movie? Oh, the complicated implications!

**Warning:****SEX**. Lots and lots of **SEX**. Not sex, but **SEX**. There will be the mutilation of bodily parts. Well, not mutilation so much as disappearance. Oops, said too much. Watch out for OOC-ism, penises, and the lack of a good plan. **Un-beta-ed. But will be beta-ed in the near future. Promise!**

**Rated:** Mustachio! Er, we mean M.

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**Mouthing Off **

**Chapter Two**

Ken Doll Anatomy

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The four youths sat despondently in the room, their limbs slung haphazardly over the arms of their comfortable black chairs. They were all wracking their brains for some sort of answer to what was going on. Some sort of plausible reason to their now XXX-rated conversations.

Alas, no one could think of anything.

"Research!" yelled Hermione unexpectedly. "We're all crazy, I can't believe we didn't think about having sex on the cold hard floor in the beginning!"

"Er, say what, Granger?" asked Draco. "You want us to research the many ways we can have sex? Well, the Kama Sutra should be able to help us out," he drawled, picking a book off the table in front of them. A book which hadn't been there seconds ago. "Look, who wants to be on top first?" he asked.

"Malfoy, you stupid bugger, look at what you just did instead of sucking on Ron's nipples! You got a book about sex and every way to do it! We can research that white light before we have rough S&M sex!"

There was a flurry of movement in the room as everyone grabbed a book on white light off the table and started to leaf through it.

"Er, did the white light have anything to do with the intensity of our orgasms? I mean, muggle lights, Hermione?" asked Harry several minutes into their research.

"Electricity doesn't work near magic, Harry. I wish you'd remember how I like to be fondled."

"Er, right, sorry, I forgot how you liked to be fondled. Just got a lot on my mind here."

"Because of course Scar-face, we all know how horrible this lack of brilliant sex is on you. I mean, it's not hard on any of the rest of us, least of all Granger."

"Draco, shut up before I kiss you," answered Hermione, not looking up from her book.

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An hour later, no one had found anything and they had gone through every book which mentioned white light as a symptom of anything…. Apparently white light wasn't a very common side effect.

The only thing Hermione could think of was that maybe they had all had simultaneous near-death experiences and survived with sexy consequences. Something which just didn't happen in the wizarding world or in the muggle world for that matter.

"I don't get it! How can they not have detailed diagrams of guys going down on each other?" screamed Hermione. "Argh, I mean information on white, virginal light that can be used to create ambiance while fucking."

"Well Granger, maybe it's because nothing this drastically full of sex and orgies and bondage has ever happened before," answered Draco who was lounging in his chair.

Hermione pushed her hair behind her ears. "I don't see how you can be so calm about not having sex with Ron and Harry right now. Every other sentence out of our mouths is full of sexual connotations! If someone hears us moaning and groaning, who knows what will happen?"

"Granger, you devious vixen, why don't you just shut your mouth and see if you can hold in your sexual gibberish if it bothers you so much?"

"Draco!" screamed Hermione. "You excruciatingly drop-dead sexy specimen of a human male! You're a genius at oral sex!"

"Er… has she gone crazy from lack of sex?" asked Ron, glancing over at Harry. "I told you it was going to happen one day, Harry, you who are gloriously tanned."

"Ron, you and your sexy red hair are so wrong! I haven't gone crazy! I can't believe we didn't think of the idea of licking each other's necks yet! Quick, Draco, you sensual beast, say something but don't say the sex part!"

Draco stared at Hermione. "Why me?" he asked.

"Because it was your golden-haired lovely smelling head that thought of it."

"Fine," he snorted. "What the bloody hell am I supposed to say? I mean it's not like I want to—" Draco double over in the couch. "Ow!" he yelled, looking away from them, now sitting straight in the chair, his eyes directed at his knees. "Bloody hell, that's sure as hell never happened before when I—" He doubled over again, only this time, they could all see the expression contorting his face was something between pained and confused.

"What's wrong, Draco," asked Hermione. "Are you beautiful intestines in pain? Your face is contorting as if you were set to have sex with a woman and realized that it she were actually a man... or a well disguised troll!"

Draco didn't say anything. He just kept the same wondering expression on his face. And then he started to pull off his robes.

"Argh, Ferret, what are you doing?" screamed Ron, grabbing Hermione and spinning her around. "Stop taking off your clothes, you seductively kissable freak of a ferret! Hermione's right here!"

Draco just pulled off his robes and threw them to the ground and started taking off his pants, all the while looking more and more pale.

Hermione turned around. "Honestly Ron, you fetching chap, you'd think I'd never seen a guy's penis before!"

"What?" yelped Ron. "Who's penis did you see?" he asked.

"Oh, nobody you – Merlin! Draco, what's happened to your manly genitals?" screamed Hermione, making both Harry and Ron focus their attention on Draco.

"Bugger…" whispered Ron. "Your cock, it's… not as big as I thought it was. I mean, it's missing the entire end!"

"Granger, you bitch," hissed Draco. "Care to explain this? Ow!" he hissed, bending over again. When he straightened, he was still glaring at Hermione, but his penis was now missing ever more of its length.

Not only was the tip missing, but it also looked like Draco didn't have a penis at all. His testicles hung down framing a small stump.

"Sick," moaned Harry, stepping back, his hand inadvertently reaching for his own crotch.

"Fix it, Granger, you disgustingly beautiful mink!" he snarled. "Now, before I get over their and shove what's left of my cock up your ass and fuck you so hard that your mother's mother can feel it! Hey!" he yelled after his outburst, looking down at his penis. "Oh, would you look at that, it came back."

And sure enough, Draco's penis had reappeared.

"Er…" said Hermione. "I suppose now we all know what happens when we refrain from saying the sex… things. Oh Draco, you traffic-stopping beauty, I am so sorry, I didn't know that would happen! But at least we know that your penis will come back after you say something shockingly sexy!"

"Right," he snarled, "but I make the best guinea pig because I'm blonde, beautiful, and horrifyingly attractive." He pulled his pants and boxers back on as he spoke. "I vote that all of you go through that incredibly sexy ordeal right now. It's only fair that you guys feel the intense pleasure of an orgasm brought on my hands as well."

The others agreed. Harry and Ron went first, both of their faces contorting when their penises shrank. When asked how it felt, they both described it as "odd, almost as if something was going missing."

_No duh boys_, thought Hermione as she prepared herself to also go through with the ordeal. She took off her robes as well and stood in front of the boys clad in a red blouse and jeans. The boys had taken off their robes for when they changed and the lack of a bulge in Harry leather pants had been very obvious.

_Who would have thought Harry'd wear leather pants? Who? _

"So, Granger," sniggered Draco, "what do you think is going to happen to your foxy body? Grow a penis? Watch out for a large and hard bulge, boys."

"Shut up, Draco, you stupid shit of a ferret!" she snarled back. "I wish you'd go back to the sewers you were born from you – Oh!" She put her hands to her chest and blinked. It indeed had felt as though she were missing something. But not from her crotch. "This feels really, really gross, I mean – Ow!" She gritted her teeth. Oh yeah, that had hurt.

"Move your hands from your beautiful breasts, Granger," sneered Draco. "What's going on up there?"

Hermione moved her hands away from her chest. "I do believe I've lost my breasts," she said, laughing slightly. "Oh, this is disgusting," she murmured, opening the buttons of her shirt.

"Hermione!" screamed Ron as he covered his eyes. "Don't show us your enchantingly seductive chest!"

"It's not very enchanting right now, Ron," she stated, looking down at herself. "I look like a Ken doll!" she yelled. "Ow!"

"Ew," said Harry, standing up and rubbing his hand across her now-flat and nipple-less chest.

"Gees, Harry!" she yelped, pulling back and shutting her shirt over her empty bra. "I may not have arousingly large breasts right now, but that doesn't mean you can rub your lewd hands over my chest!"

"Oh, er, sorry," he said sheepishly. "I was just, kind of surprised by the lack of uh… arousingly large breasts."

Hermione got her breasts back (by telling Draco and Harry and Ron just where she wanted certain parts of their bodies to be in relation to her own body) and everyone settled back into their chairs.

"So," she started. "Lunch finished half an hour ago when we were practicing how to put condoms on each other. We can miss the rest of Sex Ed class and go to our last two classes which is N.E.W.T.S Potions for erotic Harry, intoxicating Draco, and myself, and Advanced Divination for naughty Ron.

"We have to stay in here until Sex Ed class ends so we don't look raunchy walking down the halls. After classes, come back here immediately so that no one notices our extreme sexiness. And in class, the best we can do is keep our mouths shut and our hands busy. And not a filthy word to anyone about this or else everyone else gets to rape said snitch to death.

"Right, so let's just try making love while researching the white light again," she finished, pulling books off the table.

"You are such a dominatrix, Hermione," said Ron. "Just a bloody dominatrix."

"Ronald, you submissive, premature ejaculator, keep your mouth shut and keep researching," said Hermione, not looking up from her book.

"Cassé, good-looking Weasel. Cassé," murmured Draco as he turned a page causing both Harry and Ron to look at him while Hermione just blushed.

"Oh, you shut up, too, Draco, you sexily arousing ferret of a man," spat Hermione before they all fell silent. "Let's all just try to stay relatively peaceful until class ends, okay?"

She was answered by the flipping of several pages.

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**Review Responses. **

**Warning, reviews may be c/rude in nature. And offensive. And more than slightly perverted.**

**If you are offended, the white light says sorry. (But it's going to take it back after you turn around.)**

**flower-on-thewind: **Annette loves you, you magical first reviewer. It is bloody brilliant, isn't it? 'Least, that's what Annette thinks. (Oh god, I'm talking in third person. Oh well…) We will not give up on this fic! Never!

**Fantastical Ebony Queen Black: **You do know that "fantastical" means imaginary in ye olde English right? It does. You are, in essence, Nonexistent Black Queen Black. The good disturbed is the best kind of disturbed. We love being disturbed. (Well, Annette does.) In character? Yes… yes, it was… wasn't it? Kind of creepy.

**girltraveler: **You were laughing so hard that… you fell out of your chair and sprayed milk out of your nose at the same time! Right? We bet that's what happened. Either that or you laughed a lung up and had to rush yourself to the hospital because you couldn't find a phone anywhere to call an ambulance.

**Vanessa Masterson: **You have a real name. We love that. Excuse us while we Google you. You seem indecisive about whether this fic is good or not. Maybe we don't want to Google you. Nope, we don't. However, if it makes you feel better, we think your use of "OMFG" was totally called for and we give you props for opening with it.

**Aussie Trebs: **Annette thinks your last name is a clever anagram of "Bert's" but without the apostrophe. Thought you could trick her, eh, Bert? You crazy aussie. We're very pleased that you laughed your fucking ass off. It's wonderful that we can bring these kinds of reactions out of people.

**Abyme: **Annette has no clue as to what your name could be a clever anagram for. However, she would like to take this time to explain that "clever anagram" is a phrase stolen from Bertha. (My Abe… Me, Bay…) Doesn't everyone want to know what happens to them? Here, let us tell you. In the next chapter, Draco, Harry, Ron, and Hermione will have a massive orgy involving—what? Oh… apparently the outline's under revision. Sorry, can't tell you what's going to happen if we don't have it planned!

**miyazawa kino: **We know.

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Annette still blames the white light. And yes, there is a plot! It's just hiding… somewhere. Look, it's coming up. Soon. Until then, blame the white light. And if thing still go wrong… it's still the white light's fault!


	3. Hallway Encounters

**Short, sweet, & simple: **Bertha took back her life. Annette is upset. And still crazy. And so, here comes another chapter!

**Summary: **A flash of light and oodles of everyone saying things about sex that they don't mean! What's going on? Why is everyone talking as if they were in an XXX movie? Oh, the complicated implications!

**Warning:** **SEX**. Lots and lots of **SEX**. Not sex, but **SEX**. There will be teacher related incidents! Incidents which make everyone horribly uncomfortable in more ways than one! Watch out for OOC-ism, Snape, and homosexuality. **Un-beta-ed. But will be beta-ed in the near future. Promise!**

**Rated:** Machiavellism! Er, we mean M.

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**Mouthing Off **

**Chapter Three**

Hallway Encounters

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"That was the strangely alluring, siren-like bell!" shouted Hermione, jumping to her feet and arranging her robes properly.

"Yeah, we noticed, Granger," intoned Draco. "You fiendishly lovely fox." He turned and pantomimed throwing up.

"Oh grow up, Malfoy, you well-endowed _uke_," spat back Harry. "_Uke_? What the fuck is an _uke_?"

Hermione blinked. "I don't know, sounds like a ukulele."

"Hermione, you dangerously over-dressed female, take off your clothes! How can you not know what something is?" asked Ron, seemingly astonished.

"Ronald, you head-turning hunk, I'm smart, not all-knowing, you prat," answered Hermione, as she ran for the door. With her hand on the knob, she continued to admonish him. "Now do shut up! We only have a few minutes to get to our classes! No more talking!"

Swinging open the door, she ran down the hallway with Harry close on her heels. Draco and Ron ran down the other hallway.

"Bloody hell, Malfoy, you fuck-able ferret, couldn't you have run in the other direction?"

"Oh fuck me, Weasel-face. It would have looked pretty bad if I came down a hallway running after the most delectable Potter and the more enticing Granger." He slowed down to a quick walking pace.

"No, you fuck me, you well-dressed stud. Harry was wrong, you're totally behind all of this somehow, and you're a _seme_, not an _uke_."

"Yes Weasel, me spouting sexual gibberish is all part of my master plan to get Potter to fuck the Dark Lord. And what the bloody hell is a _seme_?"

"Uh, no clue, actually."

"Figures, not only is your hot ass continually wrongfully accusing me of misdemeanours, but you're using words that don't exist. You're more shag-able than you are stupid; ever thought of prostitution?"

Ron stopped walking. "Oh, you're so full of it, aren't you? I bet you wanted this to happen somehow," he said, stalking closer to Malfoy, an unreadable expression on his face. "You were going to seduce us all and somehow get Harry to chase after us or, or something like that!"

Malfoy stood his ground. "I, the great and wondrous beauty known as Draco, take back what I said about you; you're much more stupid than you are shag-able. How the bloody hell would any of this work out for me in the end?"

Ron coloured. Well, his face coloured. Er, but his face doesn't have hands, we meant that he, uh, his face changed colours. From peach to red. Well, kind of a light pink, actually.

Uh, well, Ron blushed. "I don't know."

"Right, you don't know. Pity."

Malfoy ducked Ron's punch just in time. He was about to throw one at Ron when he heard an outraged gasp. How he knew it was an outraged gasp, well, he just knew. He was special like that, ya know.

Prof. McGonagall was walking towards them, her face set in it's usual stone. "Boys!"

Draco looked at Ron and for a second, their faces were mirror images of horror. There was no way they could remain silent here… was there? Their expressions lasted only for a second before they turned to look at the professor, identical angelic faces peering up at her.

"What is going on here?"

Maybe they could just shrug and nod their way out of this.

Draco shrugged and Ron decided to keep quiet.

At least, Ron tried to keep quiet… until he felt an odd quivering feeling developing in his stomach. An odd quivering feeling which didn't go away. An odd quivering feeling which was desperately working its way up his throat.

"We were doing—" the both spat out at the same time.

"Nothing!" yelled Ron, pulling his arm up his sleeve as he felt his index finger disappear. Odd, he didn't know that anything other than his genitalia would disappear.

"Nothing at all," added Draco, more subdued. Ron wondered if he was feeling the same as he was.

"It looked like something," said the professor, crossing her arms. God almighty, she had taken up the ever-powerful female death stance. She wasn't moving until she got an answer she was satisfied with.

"I had something in my eye," sputtered Draco, instantly feeling horrendously stupid.

"You had something in your eye?" asked Prof. McGonagall.

He felt an odd quivering feeling develop in his stomach. "Yes. In my eye. My, beautiful, silver-grey eye."

The professor narrowed her eyes at him. "And you asked Ron to look at it?"

Ah… so it appeared they had to answer direct questions. Lovely.

"Well, there wasn't anyone else around," he said, through clenched teeth as he felt what was left of his left arm disappear. Yippee, missing both a penis and an arm!

"Ah, well, get to class then, you don't want to be late," she said, swishing her robes and walking off in another direction.

Draco and Ron watched her silently for a few seconds, until she disappeared from view.

Draco turned to Ron. "Well, you can go first."

Ron blushed even more than he had been before. "Uh. I… er… I want to fuck you?" He looked at his left hand. A finger popped back into view.

"Oh, very good Ronald, one whole finger," sneered Draco.

"Yeah, well, just need a few more and I'll have enough to get you ready for a night of hot raunchy sex. We can have whips and chains and if you're a good boy, I'll let you suck my cock."

Ron turned his head as his hand popped back into view. "First time my beautiful hand ever disappeared," he said, moving the fingers around.

"Yeah, well, I'm missing an entire bloody arm and my fucking penis," spat out Draco. "I wish I could take your cock and shove it into me without lube so I'd feel everything and have it rip me up inside. I want to take your shaft deep into me, really hard. And I want you to touch me everywhere, right now."

They both waited for a few seconds, expectantly looking at Draco's arm.

Nothing happened.

"Hmm," said Ron. "Well, that's never happened, now has it?"

"Shut up, Weasel," growled Draco, rubbing his right hand over his stump of an arm. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Maybe you didn't say it good enough with your sexy, enticing voice."

"Bollocks. I said it perfect. Any high-class whore would be jealous."

"Yeah, well, I've got to get to class. Lavender's in there and she's got an ass like you wouldn't believe."

"What? You're just going to leave me here?"

"Uh… Why yes, yes I am," Ron smiled at him and started to walk off.

Draco had him pinned to the wall in a second. "Now you listen to me, Ronald Weasley, you sadistically arousing fuck-head, I… hey…" he broke off as he noticed a twinge in his arm. It had grown back a bit.

He rubbed his hand against Ron's face.

"What the hell are you playing at?" asked Ron, pulling away.

"Stop moving, Weasel!" spat Draco. "Look, when I touch you, my arm comes back."

"So? Go find Crabbe and Goyle and fondle them! I'm sure they'd love it!"

"Yeah, but I wouldn't," said Draco before leaning forwards and capturing Ron's lips in a kiss.

He pulled away and instantly felt a twinge in both his penis and his arm.

"Ah, well, that's better," said Draco, flexing his arm out a few times. He looked up at Ron who seemed to be ready to vomit. "Oh come now, it wasn't that bad," he muttered before turning around. "See you after class, Weasel, you devious kisser, you."

Ron fell to his knees, and grasped at his shoulders. "Why didn't the incredibly handsome Harry Potter just Avada me? Why?"

He spat out into the hallway before staggering to his feet and running to class. He continued to spit during the entire journey and at one point managed to spit on a very ugly painting of three mice.

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Harry and Hermione ran off in a hurry. Mostly because they were in a hurry. And in their hurry, they ran blindly around a corner.

And straight into Professor Snape.

"Uh, Professor, you—" Harry stopped himself mid-sentence before he could state how good-looking the professor was this fine and lovelyafternoon.

"Mr. Potter," spat out Snape. He glanced at Hermione and said, " Ms. Granger," as though she were an afterthought and not nearly worth his time or effort. "Running in the halls is strictly forbidden."

"Oh, do forgive us sir, you," Hermione paused and discreetly pulled at her robes, so that the teacher wouldn't notice her sudden lack of boobs. "We were rushing to get to the um–"

"I wonder if you have your Potions essays done," said Snape in his careful and snotty drawl, bulldozing over anything Hermione might have just said.

He turned to Harry. "Potter? Is your essay done?"

Harry stared at Snape and opened his mouth. He quickly shut it and turned hopelessly to look at Hermione, his mind going a mile a minute.

_**Penis. **_

_No, Snape! _

_**Blowjob. **_

_No, ick! _

_**Sexy icon of teacher smex! **_

_NO! SHUT UP! I will NOT BE TURNED ON! I will not! I can't! I don't have a penis right now! _

_**I love you, Professor Snape! Have my babies!**_

Harry's mind suffered a heart attack.

Meanwhile….

"Potter? What the devil are you staring at?" asked Snape. "Ms. Granger, what is wrong with Mr. Potter?"

"Uh, you see," Hermione glanced at Harry who was staring at Snape's chest. The stupid guy had probably been shocked by what his mind was thinking. At the moment, she was pretty dumbfounded at her own mind, but she hadn't gone become comatose, now, had she?

_Stupid boys. _

So, she did the first thing that came to mind (well, more likely the fourth thing that came to mind, after snogging Snape, snogging Harry, and possibly snogging Harry and Snape at the same time). She grabbed Harry and hugged him, hard.

"We're in love," said Hermione. "He goes into withdrawal if we're separated for too long." She whispered over Harry's head, "He's a bit emotional, you know?"

Snape's right eye twitched and he snarled in disgust. Lucky for Hermione that when Snape snarled, he shut his eyes for a split second, because at that split second when Snape's eyes were shut, Harry grabbed her ass and squeezed, hard, making her own face screw up.

"AH!" said Harry, stretching his arms out and flinging them around Hermione. "I feel so much better now!" He smiled at Snape and Hermione pinched his ass and surprisingly felt her own breasts pop back out.

"Carry on," said a horribly disgusted Snape who had, in fact, seen both ass-grabbing's. "I expect you in class in five minutes." And with that, he turned and rushed down the hall.

Harry and Hermione shot identical looks of hatred at each other.

"Emotional?" spat out Harry.

"You bloody groped my ass!" screamed Hermione.

"I suppose we're even then," said Harry. "We'd better get to class!" he shouted over his shoulder as he ran down the hall after Snape.

"Wait up, you blasted ninny!" screamed Hermione as she ran after them.

Neither of them noticed the fact that they hadn't felt compelled to scream vague obscenities at each other. Nor did anyone notice that crazy, rabid-looking squirrel sitting on a windowsill, watching them quietly with its beady little eyes. Well, nobody but Mrs. Norris who promptly came up and beat the shit out of the squirrel before eating it.

_Mm,_ thought Mrs. Norris. _Squirrel. Meow._

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**Review Responses. **

**Warning, reviews may be c/rude in nature. And offensive. And more than slightly perverted.**

**If you are offended, the white light apologizes and feels deep sorrow for you…because you're a pussy, a baby, and really immature. And some of you might even be really ugly, too. But the white light wouldn't know.**

**caz-jket**: Annette's muse was bored. And drunk. And horny. And so, it threw a fit until Annette wrote out the first chapter.

**Fantastical Queen Ebony Black **a.k.a. **Ebony**: Annette misspelled (messed up) your name in the last review response and she blames the white light. It was flashing on and off in a most unattractive way. (But don't tell it that she said that.) Interesting side effects are the best kind of side effects. Everyone loves crack. Except for the pussies.

**BookWork1990**: Our style is more than great, it's… super great. And yes, Annette thought (thinks?) Draco's penis disappearance was the highlight of the chapter.

**FollowerOfGreyback**: Way ahead of you, darling. Check out the May issue of 2005. Annette's shooting for a Santa thing for the December issue, but who knows how that will come out?

**girltraveler**: It was awesomely erotic, wasn't it? And thanks for the e-vibrators, even though it was the white light that made you give them to us. We'll give them to the poor kids in the orphanages, the ones who can't afford them.

**Vanessa Masterson**: Alas, we were too lazy to check if you were on Google anyway. Glad you lurf the story. Your love feeds the white light. That sexy, white light…

**Abyme**: Not an anagram? We're upset. Well, not really. Out of great disrespect for your parents, why the hell would they call you nothingness? Gees, they must not have had many plans for you. (Be thankful they didn't name you eighteen, as Annette's Dragon Ball Z loving parents did.) And humids? What is this humids you speak of?

**aTrueBlueKUNUCK**: It hurts to breathe? Alas, perhaps you have asthma, you wimp. Either that or you're laughing too hard. Or it could be both. Probably both. And what's this foul misspelling of Canuck? Quick, which Canucks team are you speaking about? Surely not them crazy Canadians!

**girlinterrupted89**: Your review was so thrilling and heart-warming. The amount of fluid grace and prose you managed to place into that one line was breath-taking. Here's a review from us to you: give a longer review next time… or we'll sic the white light on you.

**SpiffyMoogle**: Tehe, your name is horribly amusing. Moogle. Ha! Moogle. Spiffy. That's just so darn spiffy, soldier. Tehe, soldier. Er, uh, back to the topic at hand. Yes, this is truly brilliant, and if anyone else decides to disagree… well, then it can be fake-ly brilliant as well. We don't mind. Brilliant is as … something, something.

**crzyangelchic**: The lack of an "a" in your name is amusing. And confusing. What did that "a" do to you which caused you to leave it out? Abuse you? Anger you? Aggravate you? Alas, perhaps we will never know why you prefer the "a" in angel. No one will take this down! As long as everyone keeps their mouths shut. Oh, and the whole leaving two reviews, one for each chapter, that was amazing. We commend you for it. Love you for it. Adore you for it. No, wait, we don't adore you. We don't want you to start taking away our a's. We like our a's; especially Annette. And Bertha just wouldn't be Bertha if she didn't have an "a".

**Markos IV**: Whoa, you mean there was a first and second and third Markos before you? That's amazing. We're betting they were killed because they couldn't use grammar properly. Oops, was that insulting? Sorry, we do it all the time, but we're hypocrites, so we don't count when it comes to grammar. Your (you**'re**, yor, yore, yo'r) review was greatly appreciated however. Greatly. It amused us… much-ly.

**Ghoul: **Yes, they're going to classes, and no, it won't be good. YAY!

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For the first half of this chapter, Annette blames Dir en grey and the holiness of their half-nekkid bodies gyrating on stage and across her computer screen at the same time. Oh, and also, the groovy tracks of Malice Mizer. And that Pocahontas song about colouring the wind… or something.

The second half is solely the responsibility of both Dir en grey and Miyavi. Really. It's all their fault. Them and their smexy, sexy, hot, lovely bodies. Woo! Bodies!

The white light apologizes to the grammar Nazis for all grammatical/spelling errors. Don't hurt us b/c we're stupid. Hurt us 'cause you're sadistic and we're masochistic. (We match like that, ya know.)


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